WOW! That was an interesting day. I thought I’d lighten my pack by eating half the brownie that Catch-up gave me. The marijuana hit me hard and fast. It put me on my back from 9 am to 5 pm. I had intended to do another 15-20 miles, in all smiles and utter appreciation of my surroundings. I ended up with a 5-mile day, and 4 of those were before the brownie. For 8 hours, I didn’t move more than 5 feet, and just to go to the bathroom. As often happens to me under the influence of drugs, my mind turned inward. My personality, my ego, my sense of who I am seemed a fragmented facade, just barely holding together. I lay there, my mind cycling through its fears and insecurities. My first dominant thought was “nobody better see me like THIS”. I became terrified that another hiker might find me in such an unguarded state. I packed up my stuff as fast as I could when I realized that I was tripping out. My brain was not reasoning very well, so I asked Nature for help to pack up. It was like my body went into autopilot, the hands and arms grabbing things, sorting and loading them as if by rote. I smiled as I knew I would be Safe in Nature. As soon as I was packed, I started quickly up the trail. I hardly noticed the 1500 foot climb or my aching foot. I was moving! I wanted to get off the trail and away from possible run-ins with other humans as soon as possible. I pulled off the trail as it took a fork up into a flat area on a bluff above the canyon. A trail marker indicated the trail continued the other way, further up the creek. Still very nervous and scared, I plopped down under the very first tree that seemed inviting. I took some deep breaths and tried to calm down.
Oddly, my first thoughts turned to my sexuality (pot can be so weird). I recognized my fear of people thinking that I might be gay. Wow, where did that come from? Is that what is causing this paranoia? I realized that my mind/ego has some fear about the thought that people think I’m gay (after dressing up like a girl for halloween and playing a goof-ball in a high school play).
I remember when I was in the hospital (getting a stem cell transplant to cure my cancer), I had the same thing come up — a questioning of my sexuality. Luckily I was able to work through it and found an experience of the Unconditional Love and Omnipresent Good of Spirit. I then realized I had a ‘man-crush’ and that was OK too. Huummm, just a reoccurring theme.
Next I wrote a page of Guidance in my journal with a date of May 20 as some kind of dead-line. There is a solar eclipse that day. I made a promise to myself I would LOVE, let go of Fear of all my insecurities.
The other half of that pot brownie ? . . . . . I don’t think so . . .