Pot Brownie

By:  Andy

WOW!  That was an interesting day.  I thought I’d lighten my pack by eating half the brownie that Catch-up gave me. The marijuana hit me hard and fast. It put me on my back from 9 am to 5 pm. I had intended to do another 15-20 miles, in all smiles and utter appreciation of my surroundings. I ended up with a 5-mile day, and 4 of those were before the brownie.  For 8 hours, I didn’t move more than 5 feet, and just to go to the bathroom.  As often happens to me under the influence of drugs, my mind turned inward. My personality, my ego, my sense of who I am seemed a fragmented facade, just barely holding together. I lay there, my mind cycling through its fears and insecurities.  My first dominant thought was “nobody better see me like THIS”.  I became terrified that another hiker might find me in such an unguarded state.  I packed up my stuff as fast as I could when I realized that I was tripping out.  My brain was not reasoning very well, so I asked Nature for help to pack up.  It was like my body went into autopilot, the hands and arms grabbing things, sorting and loading them as if by rote.  I smiled as I knew I would be Safe in Nature.  As soon as I was packed, I started quickly up the trail. I hardly noticed the 1500 foot climb or my aching foot.  I was moving!  I wanted to get off the trail and away from possible run-ins with other humans as soon as possible.  I pulled off the trail as it took a fork up into a flat area on a bluff above the canyon.  A trail marker indicated the trail continued the other way, further up the creek.  Still very nervous and scared, I plopped down under the very first tree that seemed inviting.  I took some deep breaths and tried to calm down.

Oddly, my first thoughts turned to my sexuality (pot can be so weird).  I recognized my fear of people thinking that I might be gay.  Wow, where did that come from?  Is that what is causing this paranoia?  I realized that my mind/ego has some fear about the thought that people think I’m gay (after dressing up like a girl for halloween and playing a goof-ball in a high school play).

I remember when I was in the hospital (getting a stem cell transplant to cure my cancer), I had the same thing come up — a questioning of my sexuality.  Luckily I was able to work through it and found an experience of the Unconditional Love and Omnipresent Good of Spirit.  I then realized I had a ‘man-crush’ and that was OK too.  Huummm, just a reoccurring theme.

Next I wrote a page of Guidance in my journal with a date of May 20 as some kind of dead-line.  There is a solar eclipse that day.  I made a promise to myself I would LOVE, let go of Fear of all my insecurities.

The other half of that pot brownie ? . . . . . I don’t think so   . . .

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5 Responses to Pot Brownie

  1. tcnexus says:

    Andy, I’m a friend of Becky’s. Thank you for your post today and a breath of fresh air. It pulled me out from behind my computer and put me on the trail with you. I appreciate your candor. And the skill with which you told your story. Hope to meet you at the end of the trail.

  2. Grandnma says:

    From Grandma:
    Andy, whenever you are in trouble mentally, remember what I have said before about what will mend your troubled mind. Repeat your meditation mantra over and over especially when you are in a lazy state and feeling guilty. As you know guilt is one of the 4 negative emotions. Refuse to allow that emotion to exist within you. Do not use the words not or no, as the universe does not know negatives, negatives translate into positives. I refuse is a positive statement. The mantra is:
    “The power of God is within me, the grace of God surrounds me”. Ponder the power and it will be within you. For His power is then your power, because we are created in His image and likeness.

  3. Marissa says:

    Andy!
    Wow your posts remind me of how much I miss you and how special you are. Your spirit is so strong and Im so proud that you are challenging your mind and body. i hope to hear from you soon. your always in my heart!!!!!!
    -Min

  4. andy says:

    Thanks for sharing, Andy! Great journal. Happy Hiking

  5. Erwin Chon says:

    When it comes to aching feet, i always use some topical corticosteroid to relive the pain and swelling that i experience. `’;.*

    Till next time http://www.foodsupplementdigest.com“>

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